nightgangl7

So last night before I went to bed I started getting a migraine which I hate cause when I get them they are bad and I couldn’t sleep all night so I went to sleep at 4 woke up around 7am  took tylenol and went back to sleep until 1pm and then when I woke up my head was still pounding . And it’s always on my right side where I have a lesion.

So all day I didn’t workout cause of my migraine but I ate pretty good until around 8pm then I was like bored and just wanted to eat and I was trying to control myself soo bad .

But my husband ordered Domino’s and I had 3 slices and they were double cheese with garlic sauce on the crust so i ate 2600 calories today .

I feel soo bad right now like I just gave into something that was soo bad and it wouldn’t be so bad that if it was 1 slice but I had 3 and I wasn’t even hungry!

I know I’m pms’ing cause I can tell. And Tomorrow I’m going on the treadmill for 1 hour just to make up for what I did Tonight .

I have been doing so well with my portion sizes until tonight arghhh i’m so disapointed.

Well tomorrow is another day and I will have to just keep aiming to do better and not giving in.

I don’t make any money cause I have no Job and I have been looking everyone and nobody is looking for help . But my mother in law pays me once in awhile to watch her mother and I don’t charge her but she still gives me money . So it’s not much but it’s something that I am going to use to buy some broccoli and chicken and eat that. And i’m still waiting for my rebate from slim fast cause they had a recall on their product (cans) so they owe me 20 dollars and when I get that I will buy more . So I will update tomorrow . goodnight <3

So i weighed in on friday and in my 1st week i lost 5 pounds whoohoo

i just want to let everyone if you want to follow me i also have a blogspot and a youtube and a sparkpage please add me

my blog
http://emilywilllose.blogspot.com

my youtube
www.youtube.com/user/nightgangl7
my other youtube
http://www.youtube.com/user/2chicks1goal

sparkpage , sparkpeople.com

http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage.asp?id=EMILY_WILL_LOSE

So today is January 6th 2010 and for the past couple days I have stayed on my diet and managed to workout every day . I have been eating not the best foods but they are better then what they use to be . I have consumed no more then 2000 calories which is not what i plan for but that’s what happens when you eat the wrong foods. Tomorrow I weigh in and i already know i am down a couple pounds. I have been walking on the treadmill everyday for 40 min .

So Yesterday I went to my sisters and she wanted me to go to the mall with her so I did and I really didn’t want to cause she walks soo fast .  But I did anyway and its was about 9 degrees out so as she is walking im like jogging to keep up with her in the cold and as i got inside i started breathing really heavy and my heart was soo fast . I started having a panic attack and she went into this store and it was victorias secret and i just stood there cause i can’t wear any of those small clothing so i stood there having a horrible anxiety attack and i told her ” hey im going in the car ” and she was like “what ? why?” and i said ” i’m having a panic attack and my sister never understands me she thinks im insane and it upsets me .

so i ran into the rest room to catch my breath and my heart was 150 bpm and i wanted to cry  so then i ran out to the car and waited until my sister got back so we could leave.

I sat in the car just saying “why ” why am I always having panic attacks , why do i have to be fat ?  why did i compulsive eat ? why why why ?”

and we went back my sisters place and my husband was there cause hes friends with her boyfriend and she was like “when Emmy loses this weight she will be hot and can wear this lingerie ” and it just made me feel like shit cause my sister can be a mean person sometimes and she hurts me , then her friend was flirting with me one day , (she was drunk and kidding ) and my sister said they found me online on youtube doing body shots and her friend was like “she needs to take this down , what is she doing ? ” and then my sister said to her ” and you wanted that ?  that made me hurt soo bad cause it’s like my sister is saying im soo ugly and fat and i hate it . i have never made fun of her and i don’t have the balls to confront her . my husband tells me not to speak with her but i have a niece and nephew that i love .

but if anything it has gave me more of a reason to lose weight. my sister doesnt believe i will lose this weight and i want to prove to her and myself that i will.

I’m just really hurt right now and on top of it all we are in need of money . I can’t find work anywhere and it kills me . I’m willing to do anything for work . I want to go to school for nursing to become a Rn but i dont think i can untill i get a job and make some money for the bills

i just wish the fat would melt off !

so today is day 3 and i’m still on track , I havent binged although I have made some bad choices as far as drinking sugar and cream in my coffee . But everything is counted with my calories.

I bought some nice bags of salad yesterday cause weirdly I was craving it and I had a bowl after dinner last night.

I went over my calories yesterday by 200 but thats ok ill get on the treadmill today and work them off .

my depression has taken a huge toll on my life to the point that my husband spoke of a possible divorce if I don’t shape up . I felt like a piece of my died when he said that  cause I love him but to be honest we don’t socialize anymore , and yes i see someone but they are no help.

we don’t socialize we drive each other crazy , im not working I can’t find work, I never want to be alone so I get upset sometimes when he leaves. I sit here all day on the computer, my life seems really sad right now. He told me he feels like i am rubbing off on him and he is miserable and hates seeing me miserable and if i don’t get help then theres no hope . he said i need to change my eating too cause he knows im a binge eater and he has a point hes like you need to help yourself otherwise you wont be helped and you will just keep getting bigger,

the problem i have is i feel numb . it’s the worst feeling ever i feel like im here but not here and my body is just a shell and my mind is somewhere eles i dont feel any attachment to my body or my mind .

I don’t know what to do . i know i have been through soo much in my life I have no family cause my parents passed and no car , no job,  nothing!

I really need to change but how do I undo what has already been done , i mean i love my husband but we are no longer intimant and its cause i feel no emotion what so ever . sex turns me off . I feel nothing

what have i become?????????????????

ok so I just want to state a couple things before you say wether or not i did good , for the past 2 months i been eating this and yes i am a compulsive eater =( but im trying to change ..this is what i use to eat..
breakfast ..
hungry man , which is 3 eggs , sausage and cheese on a hero roll
then i would have a iced coffee with extra sugar and cream
and a donut or i would have 2 large pancakes with butter and syrup

Lunch : i would have 2 slices of pizza or a bowl of pasta with cheese
or sometimes i would skip lunch and have a huge breakfast till i had dinner and that was the biggie

Dinner: 2 bowls  of pasta with sauce and sour cream , mixed with cheese such as mozzerella or american
2 fried chicken breasts with cheese on top (yes love cheese too much )
and if i have cake 2 slices of cake or cheese cake or something sweet
then i would consume about 5 root beers in the day
with no exercise
so today was the start of my change but i know i could have done better but i got shaky today i dont know why maybe i needed sugar but this is what i had

breakfast: whole grain me nglish muffin with egg whites , turkey sausage and half slice of low fat cheese
iced coffee with cream and sugar

lunch i had lean pocket with 1 hot dog with mustard
1 can of root beer

dinner i had 1/2 cup mac n cheese , stuffed chicken breast with broccoli and cheese
and small piece of chocolate
and thats all i had although it is bad choices i think its only about 1500 cals
how did i do and what would you recommend?

so last night was really fun, I Got to watch my sister and friends get hammered while i just sat and watched . cause I can’t drink while on my medication but i did not take it last night and im trying to ween off cause the side effects are brutal even caused shortness of breath . So when I woke up today I said what I been saying for month’s ” oh i’ll just start tomorrow ” and then I was like nooooo way its a new begining and a new start . so I started off with breakfast which was egg whites ,turkey sausage , and half slice of low fat cheese on an english muffin . Lunch was oatmeal and for dinner I’m going to have a stuffed chicken breast with broccoli and cheese it’s pre made but it only has 230 calories and then im having some potatoes with it and a salad and im going on the treadmill right now for 30 min and doing some arm exercises and then some sit ups although not my favorite!

ok so tomorrow is the day i start on my diet , or i shall say lifestyle change . I am excited and worried at the same time , cause I really want to be successful this time . So yesterday while I was cleaning my house I came acrossed a bunch of my clothes and they were from when i was 60 pounds lighter and I was like “wow i can’t believe i gained all of this weight ” so I ‘m going to use it as inspiration cause im sick and tired of wearing stretch pants and having like nothing to wear .

And most importantly i been getting out of breath a lot easier , now i know being on antidepressants also causes shortness of breath but i need to lose this weight cause i can’t be unhealthy like this .

And my stomach i have never seen it this big before  its huge and ill put on a shirt and my shirt keeps popping up ehh i hate it .

I cannot stand being like this so that is why I am going to change

” I  WANT TO LIVE AGAIN ”

cause right now i’m not living and when i lose some weight im going to ween off my meds so i can walk to calm my anxiety and get normal again cause right now i feel numb on them

ok so first i need to make do with what i got in my fridge its a bunch of crap!

junk food galore , but i will use portion control and count calories then when thats gone i will buy better stuff

heres too 2010

high school graduation around 145 pounds

with my husband around 195 pounds

185 pounds

135 pounds

130 pounds

150 pounds

and me now =( in this pic i was 245 i am now 255

i have been struggling with my weight for years and i have been on all sorts of diets

so today was another boring day for me , i been going to bed so late usually at like 5 am , so a couple days ago I made myself stay up all day with only 2 hours of sleep and honestly i felt fine ,

so then the following night which was last night I went to bed at 8 pm and I woke up at 4 am !

So then I couldn’t go back to sleep and I stayed up , So then i’m like we need to do laundry so I went to my in laws and did my laundry and I started to feel like Shit , I’m like “oh no here we go ”

so I actually had Brian bring me home early so I could go to sleep I was just soo tired the whole room was spinning, and I believe I have sleep apnea so on top of that my sleep gets interupted

So I came home and Made taco’s for dinner and as I was eating them I crashed right down on the couch and the weird thing is i felt so tired yet i couldnt sleep right away .

So then i woke up hoping to use the bathroom (sorry guys i know tmi)  but I have been constipated for 3 days now and I hate that cause I get like that a lot!

So i decided to get on the scale and see my favorite numbers ,,, NOT….  cause i wanted to see what i gained from not going to the bathroom and 5 freaken pounds up !

hoping that is why i gained , but as i got on the scale i heard CRACK and i got off luckily it still works but there is several cracks in it cause of my fat ass ! that’s when you know you need to lose some weight !

haha now i am in love with edward but i felt so bad so taylor aka ,jacob  in new moon it was such a great movie , well my life i have been up and down with my weight , i am a compulsive eater , binge eater all i think about its food .
i can honestly say i am addicted to food and it has taken over my life as to where i stay at home and don’t go out much because i get tired easy and am in fear of being judged.
i also suffer from depression and anxiety which sucks .
my lowest weight was when i was in high school i wouldnt eat much and took diet pills then when i almost died from doing that for years i started getting panic attacks and was put on meds and gained weight like no tomorrow
im always thinking about food and i hate it , then in 2007 i was 255 and lost 55 pounds on my own by eating lean cuisines and walking and lost about 30 pretty fast then the last 20 i lost on topamax which i had to get off of cause it was doing weird things to me .
so then i was looking into weight loss surgery and came acrossed the lapband and i was so close to getting this procedure , i attended the appointments and spoke to the surgeon , then i said “wait a minute” i need to do this own my own and get the will power and strength to do so . so here i am going to do this own my own and get strong so a little more about me is i am 26 i am not very active at all i am kinda sad a lot , i lost my mom to breast cancer in 2005 and lost my dad when i was 5 so i carry a lot on my back . i noticed my addiction has taken a toll on me i found out i am numb from not living the way i want to live . i am married and barley  socialize with my husband , i don’t go out and if i do i worry about everything ,. i don’t have many clothes to wear . i am unemployed im kinda a mess and the sad thing is ,
the only thing that will make me happy is to be thin and look and feel good and to be healthy
i like music , i have a cat , i love pugs , i love romance movies and im obsessed with youtube haha
im so tired right now havent been sleeping well

im going to start after the holidays

but i am still making sure i dont gain right now so thats good and im working out